Psalm 42

(Hey Jenni, what was the point of blogging again?!

Oh yeah...to put my thoughts down...ha.)

Well, I think it's high time for it.

Here we go.

So...lately I've been in kind of a slump. Things have been so unsure and shakey, and I've gotten used to it. The thought of the future scares me to death, mostly because I don't know what's going to happen. And I've been struggling with doubts and fears like crazy. Actually, that's been a struggle I've had, for what seems like forever. I feel like there's never been a time when I didn't doubt or fear.

And I regret to say that not only have those doubts and fears leaked into my thoughts and feelings about God and Jesus, but into my thoughts and feelings of my friendships as well.
I let it go too long.
Didn't quite while I was ahead.
And it's gonna be one hell of a struggle to get it out of me.

So, what's the point of posting this?
I'll tell ya:

The other night I was flipping through my Bible (one of those things I do like...once every six months. Is that horrible or what?), and I found Psalms 42, and next to it one of those Bible devotional pages where it puts you in a silly scenario that you know you can relate to but find it's one of those cheesy "how can that actually help me, that's never worked before" things.

WELL.
I actually like the way this one is set up.
It has a title: "Spiritual Depression".

And that alone definitely seemed to fit with how I've been feeling.
It gives a short "Can you relate to this" paragraph, and then it's almost layed out like a worksheet for an assignment, with questions relating to the particular passage it's outlining. And not only does it tie in with the specific passage, but with other verses throughout the Old and New Testaments. Kinda like, finalizing it with all of God's Word.

Not only is that cool, but what I learned...
And to relay it to you, we'll go through Psalm 42.

"As the dear pants for the streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?
My tears have been my food
day and night,
while men say to me all day long,
'Where is your God?' "

I don't think I was ever to fully explain how I felt about it before, and then those verses hit me. I definitely found myself saying and thinkings "That's it. That's how it's been."

My soul thirsts for God, because I've been stuck in this desert for so long, full of doubts and fears. Like the psalmist, I've often found myself asking, "When could I ever meet God? Especially like this, when my heart and thoughts aren't right." I felt like I never would meet him because of where I am. It's a lonely existance too.

Moving on:

"These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go with the multitude,
leading the procession to the house of
God,
with shouts of joy and thanksgiving
among the festive throng."

I recalled the times when I didn't feel like God was so far away, when I enjoyed singing with my church and worshipping God with friends. Skipping to verse 6 (don't worry, verse 5 don't be left out):

"My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
form the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon - from Mount
Mizar."

I remembered all those mountain-top experiences I had had at camps and retreats and with friends. Those times when I felt like it would never end. Where God almost seemed visible. Where it felt like if I just reached out, I could grab Jesus' hand and just run. Where it felt like he was literally cradling my heart.
Thinking of these things, I thought about what I did that made those good times roll: I had, if anything, a hope in God that I thought would never die. Yeah, I still doubted at times and feared, but I held to some kind of hope in God, that he had everything under control, and I firmly believed that. I also prayed a bit more...more like, a lot more, than I do now. But I think the main thing was my hope. I don't know how to explain that....

Verse 5:
"Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why do disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God."

That kind of hit me, "Put your hope in God". I never thought of actually 'talking' to my soul, but then I kinda realized that I guess there IS a difference between my physical body and my soul. I believe our souls to be more sensitive to spiritual things than our physical bodies. My soul is downcast and disturbed when things aren't right with God and me, and I know it's my fault through sin. But even through it all, I can still hope in him and praise him yet.

To verse 7:
"Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.
By the day the Lord directs his love,
at night his song is with me -
a prayer to the God of my life."

The Bible-devotinal-thingy asked about this verse: "How is God's sovereignty involved in your struggle?", and how/why do I think God might be allowing this struggle, etc.

I thought about how deep a soul could go...I believe it can go pretty deep, the "depths of my soul" kind of a thing; and God is endless and deep, like his love and all. I think we mutually cry out, my soul to him, him to my soul. He's allowed this experience not only to teach me something, but also because I've chosen to allow this struggle to take place. We're given a freedom of will, to rise or fall. I chose to fall, unknowingly, because it was the easier route.
Too often to I take others' opinions of me into consideration, and thus allow them to govern how I live/act/look. It's a major pride thing.
I knew I was gettin' in too deep, and I didn't turn back when I had the chance.

But God will walk with me through it all, and I shouldn't be discouraged or afraid (Joshua 1:9). I know, easier said than done. Don't need to tell me twice. But it is kinda encouraging to read and know....

"I say to God my Rock,
'Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?'
My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
'Where is your God?' "

The devotional thingy asked about how honest the psalmist is being with God, and how honest I could be as well. I'd say, to both, pretty darn honest. Though, I think on my part, I take it for granted that I can be as honest as I want to be with God, because I can't physically see him.
It also asked about the "foes" in my life.
They aren't physical enemies, they're more spiritual and symbolic.
First, my doubts:
I doubt my worth to God and to anyone else.
God's presence has always been a question mark in my mind.
His help has never seemed...helpful....

My fears:
The future - where my place is in this world and the next, and how I'm going to get there.
Other people - yes, people are scary, but mostly their opinions.
Failure - common or what?
Guilt - I think it's a type of fear. It's so unsure and unsettling. Feeling guilty about what I've done/not done, and what I'm doing/not doing.

And all those enemies scream "Where is your God?! How can he be here, with you?"

"Why are you so downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God."

Even though I'm depressed, both inside and out, I need to cling to that hope in God, like I used to, and praise him, like I used to.

Hopefully that made sense, to whoever reads this.