It's late, again.
And a ruffled mind makes a restless pillow -- Charlotte Bronte.
So...I got to thinking about things that really, truly make me feel joy and love.
Honestly, not many things these days do.
But the things that do are worth way more than anything else.
I'll be adding as I go as well. Maybe this'll turn into one of those never-ending things.
1. When I wake up late into the night and my dogs are up too, almost too sleepy to function, but following me down the hall anyway, smiling and wagging their tails.
2. When my nephew walks up to me, all smiles and open arms, for a hug. That makes me melt like nothing else in the world.
3. When my dog Stitch "knocks" on my door. When I open it, she's right there with eyes wide with hope that I'll let her in. Who could say no to that face?
4. When Stitch follows me around. I often wonder why she would want to be around me at all. But she does. For some reason, I'm the one she goes to. And it kinda makes me feel special.
5. Hearing a horse's nicker. I love that sound.
6. Whenever I see my nephew, he gives me the biggest smile. I can't explain that at all.
7. When my nephew wants me to play with him. Again, it's one of those things where I ask, "Why would you chose me, of all people?"
8. When I see friends I haven't seen in forever, and it's like we were never apart.
9. When my dog Stitch knows when I feel lonely. This evening, I was feeling down, watching some TV, and she was laying on the opposite side of the room. She lifted her head and stared at me. She has this intense gaze. Her large auburn-gold eyes gazing into my muddy brown. Then she got up and layed down next to me, looking up at me occasionally. That dog just knows when I'm feeling down and alone.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Psalm 42
(Hey Jenni, what was the point of blogging again?!
Oh yeah...to put my thoughts down...ha.)
Well, I think it's high time for it.
Here we go.
So...lately I've been in kind of a slump. Things have been so unsure and shakey, and I've gotten used to it. The thought of the future scares me to death, mostly because I don't know what's going to happen. And I've been struggling with doubts and fears like crazy. Actually, that's been a struggle I've had, for what seems like forever. I feel like there's never been a time when I didn't doubt or fear.
And I regret to say that not only have those doubts and fears leaked into my thoughts and feelings about God and Jesus, but into my thoughts and feelings of my friendships as well.
I let it go too long.
Didn't quite while I was ahead.
And it's gonna be one hell of a struggle to get it out of me.
So, what's the point of posting this?
I'll tell ya:
The other night I was flipping through my Bible (one of those things I do like...once every six months. Is that horrible or what?), and I found Psalms 42, and next to it one of those Bible devotional pages where it puts you in a silly scenario that you know you can relate to but find it's one of those cheesy "how can that actually help me, that's never worked before" things.
WELL.
I actually like the way this one is set up.
It has a title: "Spiritual Depression".
And that alone definitely seemed to fit with how I've been feeling.
It gives a short "Can you relate to this" paragraph, and then it's almost layed out like a worksheet for an assignment, with questions relating to the particular passage it's outlining. And not only does it tie in with the specific passage, but with other verses throughout the Old and New Testaments. Kinda like, finalizing it with all of God's Word.
Not only is that cool, but what I learned...
And to relay it to you, we'll go through Psalm 42.
"As the dear pants for the streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?
My tears have been my food
day and night,
while men say to me all day long,
'Where is your God?' "
I don't think I was ever to fully explain how I felt about it before, and then those verses hit me. I definitely found myself saying and thinkings "That's it. That's how it's been."
My soul thirsts for God, because I've been stuck in this desert for so long, full of doubts and fears. Like the psalmist, I've often found myself asking, "When could I ever meet God? Especially like this, when my heart and thoughts aren't right." I felt like I never would meet him because of where I am. It's a lonely existance too.
Moving on:
"These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go with the multitude,
leading the procession to the house of
God,
with shouts of joy and thanksgiving
among the festive throng."
I recalled the times when I didn't feel like God was so far away, when I enjoyed singing with my church and worshipping God with friends. Skipping to verse 6 (don't worry, verse 5 don't be left out):
"My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
form the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon - from Mount
Mizar."
I remembered all those mountain-top experiences I had had at camps and retreats and with friends. Those times when I felt like it would never end. Where God almost seemed visible. Where it felt like if I just reached out, I could grab Jesus' hand and just run. Where it felt like he was literally cradling my heart.
Thinking of these things, I thought about what I did that made those good times roll: I had, if anything, a hope in God that I thought would never die. Yeah, I still doubted at times and feared, but I held to some kind of hope in God, that he had everything under control, and I firmly believed that. I also prayed a bit more...more like, a lot more, than I do now. But I think the main thing was my hope. I don't know how to explain that....
Verse 5:
"Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why do disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God."
That kind of hit me, "Put your hope in God". I never thought of actually 'talking' to my soul, but then I kinda realized that I guess there IS a difference between my physical body and my soul. I believe our souls to be more sensitive to spiritual things than our physical bodies. My soul is downcast and disturbed when things aren't right with God and me, and I know it's my fault through sin. But even through it all, I can still hope in him and praise him yet.
To verse 7:
"Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.
By the day the Lord directs his love,
at night his song is with me -
a prayer to the God of my life."
The Bible-devotinal-thingy asked about this verse: "How is God's sovereignty involved in your struggle?", and how/why do I think God might be allowing this struggle, etc.
I thought about how deep a soul could go...I believe it can go pretty deep, the "depths of my soul" kind of a thing; and God is endless and deep, like his love and all. I think we mutually cry out, my soul to him, him to my soul. He's allowed this experience not only to teach me something, but also because I've chosen to allow this struggle to take place. We're given a freedom of will, to rise or fall. I chose to fall, unknowingly, because it was the easier route.
Too often to I take others' opinions of me into consideration, and thus allow them to govern how I live/act/look. It's a major pride thing.
I knew I was gettin' in too deep, and I didn't turn back when I had the chance.
But God will walk with me through it all, and I shouldn't be discouraged or afraid (Joshua 1:9). I know, easier said than done. Don't need to tell me twice. But it is kinda encouraging to read and know....
"I say to God my Rock,
'Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?'
My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
'Where is your God?' "
The devotional thingy asked about how honest the psalmist is being with God, and how honest I could be as well. I'd say, to both, pretty darn honest. Though, I think on my part, I take it for granted that I can be as honest as I want to be with God, because I can't physically see him.
It also asked about the "foes" in my life.
They aren't physical enemies, they're more spiritual and symbolic.
First, my doubts:
I doubt my worth to God and to anyone else.
God's presence has always been a question mark in my mind.
His help has never seemed...helpful....
My fears:
The future - where my place is in this world and the next, and how I'm going to get there.
Other people - yes, people are scary, but mostly their opinions.
Failure - common or what?
Guilt - I think it's a type of fear. It's so unsure and unsettling. Feeling guilty about what I've done/not done, and what I'm doing/not doing.
And all those enemies scream "Where is your God?! How can he be here, with you?"
"Why are you so downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God."
Even though I'm depressed, both inside and out, I need to cling to that hope in God, like I used to, and praise him, like I used to.
Hopefully that made sense, to whoever reads this.
Oh yeah...to put my thoughts down...ha.)
Well, I think it's high time for it.
Here we go.
So...lately I've been in kind of a slump. Things have been so unsure and shakey, and I've gotten used to it. The thought of the future scares me to death, mostly because I don't know what's going to happen. And I've been struggling with doubts and fears like crazy. Actually, that's been a struggle I've had, for what seems like forever. I feel like there's never been a time when I didn't doubt or fear.
And I regret to say that not only have those doubts and fears leaked into my thoughts and feelings about God and Jesus, but into my thoughts and feelings of my friendships as well.
I let it go too long.
Didn't quite while I was ahead.
And it's gonna be one hell of a struggle to get it out of me.
So, what's the point of posting this?
I'll tell ya:
The other night I was flipping through my Bible (one of those things I do like...once every six months. Is that horrible or what?), and I found Psalms 42, and next to it one of those Bible devotional pages where it puts you in a silly scenario that you know you can relate to but find it's one of those cheesy "how can that actually help me, that's never worked before" things.
WELL.
I actually like the way this one is set up.
It has a title: "Spiritual Depression".
And that alone definitely seemed to fit with how I've been feeling.
It gives a short "Can you relate to this" paragraph, and then it's almost layed out like a worksheet for an assignment, with questions relating to the particular passage it's outlining. And not only does it tie in with the specific passage, but with other verses throughout the Old and New Testaments. Kinda like, finalizing it with all of God's Word.
Not only is that cool, but what I learned...
And to relay it to you, we'll go through Psalm 42.
"As the dear pants for the streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?
My tears have been my food
day and night,
while men say to me all day long,
'Where is your God?' "
I don't think I was ever to fully explain how I felt about it before, and then those verses hit me. I definitely found myself saying and thinkings "That's it. That's how it's been."
My soul thirsts for God, because I've been stuck in this desert for so long, full of doubts and fears. Like the psalmist, I've often found myself asking, "When could I ever meet God? Especially like this, when my heart and thoughts aren't right." I felt like I never would meet him because of where I am. It's a lonely existance too.
Moving on:
"These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go with the multitude,
leading the procession to the house of
God,
with shouts of joy and thanksgiving
among the festive throng."
I recalled the times when I didn't feel like God was so far away, when I enjoyed singing with my church and worshipping God with friends. Skipping to verse 6 (don't worry, verse 5 don't be left out):
"My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
form the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon - from Mount
Mizar."
I remembered all those mountain-top experiences I had had at camps and retreats and with friends. Those times when I felt like it would never end. Where God almost seemed visible. Where it felt like if I just reached out, I could grab Jesus' hand and just run. Where it felt like he was literally cradling my heart.
Thinking of these things, I thought about what I did that made those good times roll: I had, if anything, a hope in God that I thought would never die. Yeah, I still doubted at times and feared, but I held to some kind of hope in God, that he had everything under control, and I firmly believed that. I also prayed a bit more...more like, a lot more, than I do now. But I think the main thing was my hope. I don't know how to explain that....
Verse 5:
"Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why do disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God."
That kind of hit me, "Put your hope in God". I never thought of actually 'talking' to my soul, but then I kinda realized that I guess there IS a difference between my physical body and my soul. I believe our souls to be more sensitive to spiritual things than our physical bodies. My soul is downcast and disturbed when things aren't right with God and me, and I know it's my fault through sin. But even through it all, I can still hope in him and praise him yet.
To verse 7:
"Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.
By the day the Lord directs his love,
at night his song is with me -
a prayer to the God of my life."
The Bible-devotinal-thingy asked about this verse: "How is God's sovereignty involved in your struggle?", and how/why do I think God might be allowing this struggle, etc.
I thought about how deep a soul could go...I believe it can go pretty deep, the "depths of my soul" kind of a thing; and God is endless and deep, like his love and all. I think we mutually cry out, my soul to him, him to my soul. He's allowed this experience not only to teach me something, but also because I've chosen to allow this struggle to take place. We're given a freedom of will, to rise or fall. I chose to fall, unknowingly, because it was the easier route.
Too often to I take others' opinions of me into consideration, and thus allow them to govern how I live/act/look. It's a major pride thing.
I knew I was gettin' in too deep, and I didn't turn back when I had the chance.
But God will walk with me through it all, and I shouldn't be discouraged or afraid (Joshua 1:9). I know, easier said than done. Don't need to tell me twice. But it is kinda encouraging to read and know....
"I say to God my Rock,
'Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?'
My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
'Where is your God?' "
The devotional thingy asked about how honest the psalmist is being with God, and how honest I could be as well. I'd say, to both, pretty darn honest. Though, I think on my part, I take it for granted that I can be as honest as I want to be with God, because I can't physically see him.
It also asked about the "foes" in my life.
They aren't physical enemies, they're more spiritual and symbolic.
First, my doubts:
I doubt my worth to God and to anyone else.
God's presence has always been a question mark in my mind.
His help has never seemed...helpful....
My fears:
The future - where my place is in this world and the next, and how I'm going to get there.
Other people - yes, people are scary, but mostly their opinions.
Failure - common or what?
Guilt - I think it's a type of fear. It's so unsure and unsettling. Feeling guilty about what I've done/not done, and what I'm doing/not doing.
And all those enemies scream "Where is your God?! How can he be here, with you?"
"Why are you so downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God."
Even though I'm depressed, both inside and out, I need to cling to that hope in God, like I used to, and praise him, like I used to.
Hopefully that made sense, to whoever reads this.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Believe or Not Believe?
It's late. On a Sunday night.
I have classes starting at 8 am.
I have to get up at 6 am to get ready.
So what do I do?
I try to sleep. But that's not working. 'Cause I don't sleep well.
So...what do I do?
I think (aka talk to myself).
I was thinking about my history class and what we had to write our recent reflection paper on. We're in the medieval times now (no, not the awesome show with the horses and jousting and horses and swords and horses and...), and we had to write our paper on how religion was tied to politics and university life, using documents from those times as backup for our papers.
In the document I found, the pope had written up a bunch of laws for the students and teachers to go by, regarding what to do/what not to do on specific religious holidays, what the teacher's should wear, how the students should conduct themselves, etc.
It really made me reflect on my time at a private Christian school.
Though not nearly as strict as the universities during the medieval period, my school had rules and regulations regarding dress and conduct.
Both of my school and the medieval university were revolved around theology - at least, to an extent (my school was pretty big on it's athletic department. Epic fail for its stumbling artists).
Well...it got me wondering: since the university was pretty heavy on its theology back in the day, since the Church had a hand in pretty much everything, did the students truly believe everything they were taught because they really wanted to, or did they only "believe" because they were brought up to believe?
I didn't go to a Christian school my whole life - only from middle school to graduation. But I do live in a Christian home. So I was raised going to church (on Saturdays - Messianic, plz), believing in a God who created the universe and all in it, that Jesus died on the cross and rose three days later - the whole nine yards. And for all those years of being raised thus, then going to a Christian school where we had Bible classes for those - what, seven? - years, I began to believe only because everyone else did.
I'm gonna say now, that I'm on that stage in my "Christain walk" where I'm finally beginning to question what I believe and why I believe it - just like we're SUPPOSED to do, because, honestly, if anyone can take questioning, God can. When you've been raised to believe certain things and had seven years worth of Bible classes shoved down your throat, you don't question. The thing is, we're meant to question. We NEED to question!
So, anyways, back to the whole medieval/nowadays deal. WELL. Those theologins of olde, before they were able to lecture and preach, had to go through EIGHT years of listening to theological lectures and sermons (according to the document I read). Were those eight years of eager wanting to learn, or were their classes similar to my own Bible classes?
Like I said, I went through seven years of it (I guess according to medieval standards, I'm almost eligible to teach it now...? But wait, that's a bit flawed, isn't it? I'm getting to the explanation!), and out of those seven years, I maybe only had two good teachers. One from middle school and one from high school. But the remaining three were...questionable? Not the right word...maybe unqualified to teach in this specific field. They were great people, but not everyone's qualified to teach. The two good ones though, really got my classmates and I to think. Unfortunately, they both came at the last year - 8th and 12th grade (if my memory serves correct on the 8th grade one). So for the past many years I've had a mindset towards Bible classes and even Christianity: that they're boring, blargh, and just a bunch of easily forgotten information. Those classes were all bent up on grades. Something I'm strongly against for Bible classes. I swear I didn't learn squat, except how to quickly memorize a verse only to forget it immediately after I handed in my test. Bible verses weren't meant to be memorized for a grade. They're meant to be memorized to give us hope and encouragement. I promise, though I know I don't know everything, that there's a verse for absolutely everything that we go through in this life. EVERYTHING. In learning it, we're meant to apply it. But in only memorizing it for a grade, it loses all meaning and application. It's just a set of words for an easy "A". RIDICOULOUS! Absolutely NOT how you would think a Christian is supposed to view it at all. Honestly, as a result of many years of this kind of Bible class, I view reading the Bible as a bland chore rather than something I willingly want to do. Whenever someone even brings up the subject of theology, as much as I like it, I also despise it, because it feels like I'm listening to another boring Bible class that didn't mean a thing to me. This definitely doesn't make me qualified to teach at any medieval university, even if I did complete that last year.
Was university life in the medieval period anything like this? If so, those students who went on to teach were either under some sort of delusion, or just really unqualified teachers with empty sermons.
I know some people like this, who were brought up in Christian homes and seem to only regurgitate that which they were taught to believe, rather than speaking from experience. They're like, the type of people who try to use theology as an explanation for why something could be a good or bad thing instead of why THEY believe it for themselves; they go around, almost like what we would consider the Christian stereotype: happy-go-lucky, everything's happy and shining, etc.
I used to think like this.
Then I realized it's a delusional status quo.
So I decided to question myself and my beliefs, because I honestly don't agree with using "Jesus" as my only excuse for why I believe something to be right or wrong. My Savior is the beginning reason, but I always try to back it up with personal beliefs, concerns, facts, side effects, etc. if I can (otherwise, it's like the whole "I don't date because Jesus is my boyfriend." Oh, if someone says that to me, I swear I'll throw up all over them).
So...what does all this rambling mean?
I think what I'm really trying to get across is it's ok to question what you believe, have your own personal reasons for why you believe such-and-such.
Sorry if this all didn't make much sense, or seem to wrap up in the end.
Contrary to the date at the top, it is now April 28th, and I am not up at midnight trying to sleep with an 8 a.m. class tomorrow.
Blessings,
Jenni
I have classes starting at 8 am.
I have to get up at 6 am to get ready.
So what do I do?
I try to sleep. But that's not working. 'Cause I don't sleep well.
So...what do I do?
I think (aka talk to myself).
I was thinking about my history class and what we had to write our recent reflection paper on. We're in the medieval times now (no, not the awesome show with the horses and jousting and horses and swords and horses and...), and we had to write our paper on how religion was tied to politics and university life, using documents from those times as backup for our papers.
In the document I found, the pope had written up a bunch of laws for the students and teachers to go by, regarding what to do/what not to do on specific religious holidays, what the teacher's should wear, how the students should conduct themselves, etc.
It really made me reflect on my time at a private Christian school.
Though not nearly as strict as the universities during the medieval period, my school had rules and regulations regarding dress and conduct.
Both of my school and the medieval university were revolved around theology - at least, to an extent (my school was pretty big on it's athletic department. Epic fail for its stumbling artists).
Well...it got me wondering: since the university was pretty heavy on its theology back in the day, since the Church had a hand in pretty much everything, did the students truly believe everything they were taught because they really wanted to, or did they only "believe" because they were brought up to believe?
I didn't go to a Christian school my whole life - only from middle school to graduation. But I do live in a Christian home. So I was raised going to church (on Saturdays - Messianic, plz), believing in a God who created the universe and all in it, that Jesus died on the cross and rose three days later - the whole nine yards. And for all those years of being raised thus, then going to a Christian school where we had Bible classes for those - what, seven? - years, I began to believe only because everyone else did.
I'm gonna say now, that I'm on that stage in my "Christain walk" where I'm finally beginning to question what I believe and why I believe it - just like we're SUPPOSED to do, because, honestly, if anyone can take questioning, God can. When you've been raised to believe certain things and had seven years worth of Bible classes shoved down your throat, you don't question. The thing is, we're meant to question. We NEED to question!
So, anyways, back to the whole medieval/nowadays deal. WELL. Those theologins of olde, before they were able to lecture and preach, had to go through EIGHT years of listening to theological lectures and sermons (according to the document I read). Were those eight years of eager wanting to learn, or were their classes similar to my own Bible classes?
Like I said, I went through seven years of it (I guess according to medieval standards, I'm almost eligible to teach it now...? But wait, that's a bit flawed, isn't it? I'm getting to the explanation!), and out of those seven years, I maybe only had two good teachers. One from middle school and one from high school. But the remaining three were...questionable? Not the right word...maybe unqualified to teach in this specific field. They were great people, but not everyone's qualified to teach. The two good ones though, really got my classmates and I to think. Unfortunately, they both came at the last year - 8th and 12th grade (if my memory serves correct on the 8th grade one). So for the past many years I've had a mindset towards Bible classes and even Christianity: that they're boring, blargh, and just a bunch of easily forgotten information. Those classes were all bent up on grades. Something I'm strongly against for Bible classes. I swear I didn't learn squat, except how to quickly memorize a verse only to forget it immediately after I handed in my test. Bible verses weren't meant to be memorized for a grade. They're meant to be memorized to give us hope and encouragement. I promise, though I know I don't know everything, that there's a verse for absolutely everything that we go through in this life. EVERYTHING. In learning it, we're meant to apply it. But in only memorizing it for a grade, it loses all meaning and application. It's just a set of words for an easy "A". RIDICOULOUS! Absolutely NOT how you would think a Christian is supposed to view it at all. Honestly, as a result of many years of this kind of Bible class, I view reading the Bible as a bland chore rather than something I willingly want to do. Whenever someone even brings up the subject of theology, as much as I like it, I also despise it, because it feels like I'm listening to another boring Bible class that didn't mean a thing to me. This definitely doesn't make me qualified to teach at any medieval university, even if I did complete that last year.
Was university life in the medieval period anything like this? If so, those students who went on to teach were either under some sort of delusion, or just really unqualified teachers with empty sermons.
I know some people like this, who were brought up in Christian homes and seem to only regurgitate that which they were taught to believe, rather than speaking from experience. They're like, the type of people who try to use theology as an explanation for why something could be a good or bad thing instead of why THEY believe it for themselves; they go around, almost like what we would consider the Christian stereotype: happy-go-lucky, everything's happy and shining, etc.
I used to think like this.
Then I realized it's a delusional status quo.
So I decided to question myself and my beliefs, because I honestly don't agree with using "Jesus" as my only excuse for why I believe something to be right or wrong. My Savior is the beginning reason, but I always try to back it up with personal beliefs, concerns, facts, side effects, etc. if I can (otherwise, it's like the whole "I don't date because Jesus is my boyfriend." Oh, if someone says that to me, I swear I'll throw up all over them).
So...what does all this rambling mean?
I think what I'm really trying to get across is it's ok to question what you believe, have your own personal reasons for why you believe such-and-such.
Sorry if this all didn't make much sense, or seem to wrap up in the end.
Contrary to the date at the top, it is now April 28th, and I am not up at midnight trying to sleep with an 8 a.m. class tomorrow.
Blessings,
Jenni
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Introductions
So, hi there. I suppose it would be fitting to introduce myself fully before jumping in to some crazy scatterbrained rambling of sorts. I mostly want to let you know what I'll be blogging about. Just like the URL states, this really is going to be a rather scatterbrained rambling type of blog, because that's how I think and tend to talk. I'm much better at expressing my thoughts and feelings through art. But I'm seeking ways to improve, and I think this would be one of those ways. Also, I tend to bottle up my feelings and thoughts to a fault - the worst fault anyone could find in any other person on this planet.
Bottom line here: I need to learn how to clearly express myself in a healthy way.
I know artwork is a healthy way of expression, but no one seems to want to ask why I drew something the way I did, i.e., if there was any deep, emotional reason to the piece. I keep getting all this "positive" feedback...? You know, where it feels like someone is only complimenting because they think that's what you want them to say? When really, you want them to be open and honest and to ask questions, etc. Thus, the, I suppose "physical" aspect of my feelings was released, but not the deep emotional ties and reasons. And maybe that's all my own fault, because I have a hard time dumping my troubles on people. My philosophy: they've got their own problems to worry about; they don't need someone like me adding to the load on their shoulders.
That doesn't mean that I don't mind listening to their problems - I just don't want them to feel like they HAVE to listen to mine.
But maybe blogging about how I feel - if I make sure it has a point to it that's not all "me me me rant rant rant" - will help, in some way, to eleviate this emotional weight in my heart...?
I'm going to say right now that I apologize most deeply for any blog entry I post that has too much "all about me" rant and not enough "life lesson learned" and "where I stand on such and such an issue".
You're probably thinking, "Uh...why doesn't she just keep a journal? Sounds like all she's gonna do is whine and bitch about life like every other attention whore out there!"
Well, yes, you're probably right. I SHOULD keep a journal. I've tried, and it doesn't have the same appeal as a blog. Maybe I'm getting too modern, losing that touch with the old-school "quil and ink". But, like I said, I'm not trying to make this a ranting/whining blog, but one in which I can express myself and get my thoughgts out there.
Maybe this will make more sense (see? I need improvement): Have you ever had a conversation, either with yourself (like me) or another person, where you end up giving advice on an issue you have been struggling with too? (And does anyone else feel like a complete hypocrite afterwards?)
Well...I think this is the big reason why I want to post my thoughts and feelings on this blog. Whenever I have those conversations (yes, with myself. Is my life an epic fail or what?), I end up learning or realizing something important. I guess I figure, if I can post it, maybe it will give me more motivation to really live by what I say. Especially if I've got some feedback.
Here's the dealio: this blog will be containing my innermost feelings and concerns about life - yeah, my life - but I'm going to try to make sure that what I say can be applied to anyone too, i.e. any advice I give, which you can chose to take or leave.
I also wish to say that I keep a very open mind, so please feel free to tell me what you're thinking on such issues. Maybe you can relate to what I'm saying and we can talk about it.
I try not to be judgemental, so please don't take anything I say personally. I try to live by the Golden Rule - you and I may not agree with each other about some things, i.e. our lifestyles, beliefs, opinions, etc., but that doesn't mean that we can't agree to disagree.
So.
There's that. As I continue to blog, you'll learn a lot more about me, and hopefully, I'll learn something about you too. I hope everything I said has made some sort of sense...like I said, I'm scatterbrained and tend to ramble.
And don't worry, the next blog should be less blargh :]
Blessings,
Jenni
Bottom line here: I need to learn how to clearly express myself in a healthy way.
I know artwork is a healthy way of expression, but no one seems to want to ask why I drew something the way I did, i.e., if there was any deep, emotional reason to the piece. I keep getting all this "positive" feedback...? You know, where it feels like someone is only complimenting because they think that's what you want them to say? When really, you want them to be open and honest and to ask questions, etc. Thus, the, I suppose "physical" aspect of my feelings was released, but not the deep emotional ties and reasons. And maybe that's all my own fault, because I have a hard time dumping my troubles on people. My philosophy: they've got their own problems to worry about; they don't need someone like me adding to the load on their shoulders.
That doesn't mean that I don't mind listening to their problems - I just don't want them to feel like they HAVE to listen to mine.
But maybe blogging about how I feel - if I make sure it has a point to it that's not all "me me me rant rant rant" - will help, in some way, to eleviate this emotional weight in my heart...?
I'm going to say right now that I apologize most deeply for any blog entry I post that has too much "all about me" rant and not enough "life lesson learned" and "where I stand on such and such an issue".
You're probably thinking, "Uh...why doesn't she just keep a journal? Sounds like all she's gonna do is whine and bitch about life like every other attention whore out there!"
Well, yes, you're probably right. I SHOULD keep a journal. I've tried, and it doesn't have the same appeal as a blog. Maybe I'm getting too modern, losing that touch with the old-school "quil and ink". But, like I said, I'm not trying to make this a ranting/whining blog, but one in which I can express myself and get my thoughgts out there.
Maybe this will make more sense (see? I need improvement): Have you ever had a conversation, either with yourself (like me) or another person, where you end up giving advice on an issue you have been struggling with too? (And does anyone else feel like a complete hypocrite afterwards?)
Well...I think this is the big reason why I want to post my thoughts and feelings on this blog. Whenever I have those conversations (yes, with myself. Is my life an epic fail or what?), I end up learning or realizing something important. I guess I figure, if I can post it, maybe it will give me more motivation to really live by what I say. Especially if I've got some feedback.
Here's the dealio: this blog will be containing my innermost feelings and concerns about life - yeah, my life - but I'm going to try to make sure that what I say can be applied to anyone too, i.e. any advice I give, which you can chose to take or leave.
I also wish to say that I keep a very open mind, so please feel free to tell me what you're thinking on such issues. Maybe you can relate to what I'm saying and we can talk about it.
I try not to be judgemental, so please don't take anything I say personally. I try to live by the Golden Rule - you and I may not agree with each other about some things, i.e. our lifestyles, beliefs, opinions, etc., but that doesn't mean that we can't agree to disagree.
So.
There's that. As I continue to blog, you'll learn a lot more about me, and hopefully, I'll learn something about you too. I hope everything I said has made some sort of sense...like I said, I'm scatterbrained and tend to ramble.
And don't worry, the next blog should be less blargh :]
Blessings,
Jenni
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