Ten Days Meme: Day X

...Day Nine is somewhere...if you scroll down. I had started it as a draft, thinking that once I edited it, it would update above everything else...but it didn't...and that's that.

Day Ten:

One Confession

(CAUTION: lameness ahead)

As lame as this sounds, I really can't think of a good confession.

What am I supposed to confess?

Alrightalright...I think I've got one. It's dumb, and maybe some of you knew this about me already, but here goes:

As much as I love horses and being around them, I am equally afraid of them as well. Hey, they're big animals, and I've seen the crazy accidents that can happen. Just yesterday I was almost part of an accident!

But I'm proud of myself, because even though I could have gotten hurt, I didn't, and I continued whatever it was I was doing at the time, despite my legs shaking under me (I honestly didn't realize how much the situation scared me till I felt my legs trembling).

And today, I went back, did the same thing, and nothing bad happened, the horse I was taking care of was a sweetheart, etc., etc.

But they are still big animals, and the thought of getting caught underneath their hoofs (hooves?) scares the hell out of me, like you don't know. I'll fall, but getting kicked and smashed doesn't quite suit my fancy.

If I get an opportunity to groom a horse outside instead of in a stall, I'll take it. I get so claustrophobic in a small area with a large animal. And yet I'll get in there and do what I need to do. The experience is good.

So...does that count as a confession?

Were you guys expecting some huge, dark secret?

Sorry if I let you down. I can't think of anything blog-worthy.

~~~

Well, that concludes the Ten Days Meme! Hope I didn't bore you all to tears, or rant your eyes out too badly, heh.

I kind of enjoyed updating everyday though (or almost everyday).

Maybe I'll continue to, in some way or other. We shall see.

Ten Days Meme: Day VIII

Day Eight:

Three Turn-Ons

(CAUTION: I hate that phrase, "turn on". Should have been one of my "turn offs". Why am I still doing these "cautions" anyway?)

1. Respect for others, especially family members.

2. Extrovertedness. (Is that even a word?) I admire guys who just walk up and introduce themselves, 'cause that's something I'm bad at doing.

3. Hm...a kind face. That didn't make sense...but some guys just have those trusting eyes and sweet smile.

~~~

Mix those three together and BOO-YAH.

Ten Days Meme: Day VII

I know I definitely have more than four, but these are the only ones I could think of first hand.

Day Seven:

Four Turn offs

(CAUTION: If any of you are like this...may God have mercy on your souls.)

1. Skinny jeans. Ugh. They are the most unmanliest thing a guy can wear. When I see a guy in skinny jeans, whatever respect I had for them went down about 10 notches. Especially guys who aren't in high school anymore. Good freaking grief. It's not cool anymore, it's stupid. I don't even wear skinny jeans. No offence to, pretty much most, if not all, of my friends who wear skinny jeans....

2. Guys who wear their pants to their freaking knees. I can't express how much that just disgusts me. Guys like that lose ALL my respect. If you can't look decent, why should I take you seriously?

3. Vulgarity. I can take language to an extent, but constant F-bombs and gross/sexual jokes don't attract me, they keep me away. If you can't go one sentence without swearing, it sounds immature. I know I'm one to talk, 'cause I swear too. But there's a time and a place. When I'm out in public, I don't do it. When I'm home with close friends (or on here, heh), I will, but I won't overdo it.

4. Hm...not letting me get a word in edgewise. Guys who just won't shut up make me want to punch the living daylights out of them. Actually, I feel like that about people in general, but for some reason, it bugs me more when guys do it. Now, I know, as a girl, I'm expected to be one who just prattles on without stopping for breath, and I'll admit, I do interrupt people and go on, but I am aware when someone needs to say something. This one is a little harder to express, but I guess the idea is there.

Ten Days Meme: Day VI

After last night's little rant, I actually feel a little better. Not really better physically, 'cause I'm still feeling blah and tired, but inside I feel a little "lighter". I don't think it fixed the problem, but getting it out kinda felt good.

Other than that, upon reflection, there is something I want to say about this meme concerning Day 1: I am ashamed to say that a lot of what I said was out of anger. I still feel like those things needed to be said, but I should have shown more restraint, maybe thought about it more.

Just felt the need to say that.

Now...on with the show.

Day Six:

Five People Who Mean A Lot (In No Order Whatsoever)

(CAUTION: The only people who will be mentioned are the lucky five who find golden tickets.)

This is a hard one right now. There are many people who mean a lot to me. Even people who I'm struggling with right now. I feel like only mentioning five people is like...blasphemous or something.

And if I don't mention so-and-so, but I mention what's-his/her-face, obviously I don't care about so-and-so as much as so-and-so thought, thus starting all kinds of drama, etc.

Hm.

So...do I just pull names out of a hat, or what?

Maybe I SHOULD send out five golden tickets.

Ha...that always makes me think of the old Willy Wonka movie with Gene Wilder. You know the scene where Charlie's mum is singing, "Cheer up, Charlie..." ? My brothers and I used to always make fun of that part.

"Throw up, Charlie, let's see a frown. What happened to that scowl I used to know?

Don't you know that life just get's worse now Charlie...."

Wow. We were horrible.

But funny.

Anways...where was I? Oh yes, five special people who mean a lot to me.

Well...that's just it. I don't know just five people who mean a lot. Those who know me well enough to be more than aquaintances I find very valuable.

And I know that's more than five people.

Ugh.

So...I'm just gonna do it this way:

1 - 5: My dearest friends mean the world to me. I'm often surprised that I even have friends at all, knowing how I can be with my moods. So...thanks. It means a lot that you guys still think me your friend. I only wish we all hung out more often, and that I was able to express how much you all mean to me.

There. That should do it.

And I meant every word of that.

Day IX

Day Nine:

Two Smileys that Describe My Life Right Now

There will be no word of caution at this time

:D/D:

Heh, it kinda looks like the symbol for the arts. You know, the two masks, one laughing, the other crying.

I'd say this definitely describes my life in general, not just right now. Not only does it describe me as a whole (my every changing moods and such), but my life tends to go up and down rather quickly.

I'm not trying to get any pity from that either. I know I'm not alone in that respect. Who else lives on a roller-coaster?

Late Night Delusional Mind-Spew

We inturrupt the Ten Days Meme to give you a short, maybe much-needed vent:

It's late, I'm exhausted, not feeling well, and thus possibly delusional. What I'm all about to vent will probably only be attributed to emotions.

But it really is something that's been bugging me for years, and I felt I had to get it out somehow.

Ok. Here's something I just DON'T understand:
Why will someone who says they do something like, football, have an interested and a respectful audience, but when I say I ride horses and am an artist, people suddenly turn into deuchbags and jerks?
Why does a football player get more respect than someone who deals with a 1200 pound animal?
Why does a football player get more respect than someone who can create?

Ok, now I sound like a jerk. I mean no offense to football players. That was just the first thing I thought of, because of the Ravens/Steelers game today (or yesterday, rather), and because this issue that I've been dealing with kinda involves my brothers, who both played football.

I just don't understand why I'm being laughed at and ridiculed for my interests, while they never were/are. Aren't mine as real and as interesting as anyone else's?

You may be thinking, "She just needs to lighten up and learn to laugh at herself a bit."

Well, 'You', I DO know how to laugh at myself. I have laughed at myself, and I know I will continue to laugh at myself - but the joke's getting old.
The time for me to be taken seriously is now.

Maybe people just don't understand. When I say, "I ride horses," people get this sort of pansy idea that the horse does all the work and all I do is sit there, and that horses are for sissy people. Probably because they at one time only liked them when they were but wee toddlers.

If only sissy people worked with horses, there'd be a lot less sissy people in the world. And by that I mean the horse would have taken over. As in, those sissies would be on their ass in two seconds, or running for their lives.
That doesn't mean that horses are big, mean, nasty monsters by any means. What I mean is working with horses means you can't be a pansy. You shouldn't be a brute either, but you learn where the middle ground is, where you become the respected leader and have a 1200+ lb animal following you willingly.
I should know that you can't be a pansy when working with horses. I've been one. It didn't get me anywhere I wanted to be, which was near the horse. I've been afraid of 'em, and horses don't respect a fearful leader. They respect a confident leader.
And it's impossible to just 'sit' on a horse. You use every single muscle when riding. Balance is the key to staying on.
Working with horses is probably the most rewarding and heart warming thing I've ever done.

So why aren't people respecting me for it?
Is it because I'm a fearful person by nature? If the horse won't respect a fearful leader, why should people? But I don't want to really lead people.
Ugh.
I guess the point I'm trying to make is the most I've gotten from people when expressing my interest in horses is that, apparently, I should be doing something better with my time. That if I had gotten into any other kind of sport, it'd be ok. But I chose the more expensive, dangerous, and dirtiest one.
I don't know....
For once, I would like to not have this heavy foreboding in my heart that when/if I talk to strangers about what I'm in to, they'll laugh. I'd like to not live in that kind of fear. I'd like - no, love - to not feel like I have to prove something to everyone I meet.

Has anyone else felt this way, especially about horses and/or art? Has anyone else ever felt like they've had to prove something to everyone?
Please, someone tell me I don't have to fight this battle alone.

Ten Days Meme: Day V

Day Five:

Six Things I Wish I Had Never Done

(CAUTION: ...I wish I had been able to think of something more clever than this.)

1. I wish I hadn't given up on my horse dream so soon. I probably would have found that barn a lot sooner, like in high school.

2. I wish I hadn't waited to get my drivers liscense. I should have just gone and gotten it as soon as I was old enough instead of waiting. As a result, I spent a lot of time alone, stuck at the house, becoming a depressed blob of blargh when I could have been out drivin' around, hanging out with people without being a burden, etc.

3. I wish I hadn't let complications from home affect my life as much as I did. I became such a moody, depressed person at school and with friends.

4. I wish I had/would be a better friend. As much as I think of my friends, I don't check up with 'em as much as I wish. I feel like such a burden and a nuisance when I call them. I don't want to interrupt them while their with family, significant others, doin' work of some sort, etc., so it probably looks like I forget about them and don't care, when really, I want to be there for them.

5. I wish I had talked more in school. I don't know why I was so afraid of what people would think, but I shouldn't have cared about it so much. I should have just spouted out. Maybe I'd be more talkative today if I had been back then.

6. I wish I had thought before I spoke more often. I said/say a lot of stupid stuff without realizing it, and the people get the wrong idea or take what I say out of context.

~~~

I definitely have many more regrets than this. These were all I could think of at the moment. Not feeling too well today and my mind is a pile of mush inside my skull. Uuuuuugh. I wish I hadn't stayed up so late.

Ten Days Meme: Day IV

I know this post is late. So much for me updating every single day. Oh well.

Day Four:

Seven Things That Cross My Mind A Lot

(CAUTION: My mind is a dangerous place, full of randomness and possible insanity. Enter at your own risk. The little people that live there don't like strangers.)

1. What I'm going to eat. Honestly, I wish I could make do without eating. I find it a tedious interruption to my day. I know that makes me sound anorexic, which is totally not the case (I'd be obviously thinner if I were). It takes me a long time to figure out what to eat because my stomach is so damn sensitive I sometimes don't keep food down well. Great. Now I sound bulimic.

2. The game plan for the day.

3. How my friends are doin'. I always wonder, but I never do anything about it, 'cause I don't want to bother anyone. Go figure.

4. Drawing and artsy stuff. Thinking of ideas, figuring out why that horse's head is unproportional, why I didn't sew that lining in correctly....

5. What kind of music to listen to while doing said artsy stuff.

6. I could be doing a lot more with my time right now. And I really wish I was goin' to the barn today.

7. Geez, I have no life. What the heck?

~~~

Hm. In reality, I do have a lot more on my mind than that. But it's more personal and I didn't feel right posting it. It's not like, shameful stuff, just stuff the world doesn't need to read.

Ten Days Meme: Day III

Day Three:

Eight Ways To Win My Heart

(CAUTION: Should not attempt unless fully willing to commit till death do us part.)

1. I need you to talk. I'm a shy person at first, and it'll take more than a couple hang outs to really get me talkin' and sharing what's on my heart.

2. Understand my interests. I need someone who won't make fun of my love for art and horses, but will take part in those things. I love to share these passions with people, be one of those who will be interested. I said I'm shy, but start talkin' horses and art to me and I'll blab your ear off.

3. Be honest and straight foreword with me. I don't read signs well. If you're trying to hint at something, you're gonna be doin' it forever without me noticing. Seriously, just tell me straight out if something's on your mind. The more honest you are with me, the more honest I'll be with you. On that note, I do tend to build invisible walls and expect you to knock 'em down, and I'll give little hints. Am I a hypocrit or what? But if I say or do something that confuses you, ask me straight out what it is. I'll tell you.

4. Love being outside. Hiking, walking around downtown, horseback riding - heck, even just doing yard work! I like to be outside, but sometimes I need motivation, which typically means having someone to go outside with me. I like to talk to someone and have company when walking.

5. Be a bit spontaneous. We could walk around downtown then decide to go hiking for no reason but for the sake of hanging out and looking at scenery. Or something. Creativity goes along with this spontaneity.

6. Be the kind of guy who doesn't mind doing group things. I love hanging out with friends. If we decide to hang and my brother wants to join us, we're bringing him along. No questions asked.

7. Respect my family. Blood is thicker than water, mister. If you don't respect my family, it's over.

8. Love your Lord and Savior first. I struggle with this, and need encouragement in my faith. Don't be a holier-than-thou-art kind of person, but be encouraging and uplifting. Pray with me, and let's do Bible studies together.

~~~

Not that I expect any decent single guys to read this....

Ten Days Meme: Day II

~~~

Day Two:

Nine Things About Yourself

(CAUTION: All are subject to change, do to my indecisive/mood swinging personality. Actually, they're pretty accurate. Except that one. And that one. Wait, that one will never change. Well, it could, last time I said 'never'....)

1. Horses and art (in almost all forms) are my passions. I don't remember a time when I didn't love horses, or when I didn't enjoy doodling and painting. Art, whether it be through drawing, writing or music, has been my way of releasing pent up emotions, dreams, desires, and even silliness. Horses have also been very therapeutic for me. Not only is riding a healthy excercise, but interacting with an animal ten times my size makes me feel, kinda powerful, something I don't ever feel. I'm still learning all that I can about horses and riding (you never know it all), and I'm enjoying it every small step at a time. Somehow, I will put both of these loves together.

2. At the moment, the future seems to loom over my head like a dark cloud, and I haven't seen any clear skies for about a year now. I know what I want my future to involve, but how is still beyond me. It's super frustrating. I feel like God gives all sorts of signs to other people but constantly leaves me out of that priviledge. So I'm kinda lost in the woods. And it terrifies me to death. All I know is that it HAS to involve horses and art somehow. Those are pretty much the only things that interest me. That's got to count for something...right?

3. I have never been in a relationsip or out on a date in all my 20 years (almost 21). I don't know if that pisses me off or if I should be proud....Some say God's saving me for that "special someone", but I have no experience with guys what-so-ever. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm meant for married life. The more I think about it, the more I like my independance. At the same time, I hate the thought of living alone. I yearn for companionship like nothing else.

4. I love to create and develope characters for stories. I have a few characters that I've had for many, many years that are still under developement, but have a special place in my heart, as well as on paper. My cousin and I have been writing stories with these characters since we were in elementary school, and I hope to see these books published one day.

5. When I was younger, being the horse lover that I am, I used to pretend I was one. I would go outside and run around on my hands and knees, neighing and bucking like a horse. I could sound so much like a horse that real horses would answer me if I neighed. I think this "acting like a horse" thing became imbedded into my brain, because if something surprises me, I feel my ears pricking foreword. When I'm angry, I feel my ears pinning back against my neck and my tail flashing, and sometimes I'll even "toss" my head a bit. If my bangs fall in front of my face, I feel like it's my forelock mane. Crazy? Nah, not really.

6. Switchfoot is absolutely my favorite band ever. I think they're really the only band I know I'll still be listening to in the next twenty years. And Jon Foreman has to be the best singer/song writer. I love his EP stuff, even if it is a little depressing. I could listen to them anytime, anywhere.

7. My favorite seasons are spring and autumn. I love spring for its renewal and mild weather. I love autumn for the colors and smells.

8. I don't understand siblings who don't get along and who despise each other. It breaks my heart when I hear stuff like that. My brothers and I aren't perfect, but I wouldn't trade them for anything. We have our times when we hate each other and call each other nasty names, say nasty things, etc., but you can count on us putting it behind us within five minutes. (Though, as a girl, I tend to hold on to those grudges. But growing up with guys, it's not too hard to put those grudges aside for a while.) My little brother especially knows how to make me forget that I'm pissed off with him. He just has to say one witty thing and I lose it. In a good way.

9. I am probably one of the easiest people to startle and frighten. I can't even be told a scary story without being kept awake for a night (or two...three...a week...). If I don't hear you coming, you'll startle me. It can be kind of funny if planned right (and I'll put aside the fact that I hate you for a minute to laugh). Just don't make it a habit.

~~~

So, that's that. Day two. Hope I'm not boring you all to death.

Ten Days Meme

I saw this goin' around on DeviantART. At first, I kinda shrugged it off. Like I'm gonna keep up with this for ten days.


Then I decided, why not? Could be therapeutic, and Lord knows I need to do something of the like right now.


Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot(in no order whatsoever).
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession.

~~~
Day One:

Ten Things You Want To Say To Ten Different People Right Now

(CAUTION: Many of these may apply to more than one person. And that person could be you! No, not you, them! Over there! Yeah, you!)

1. You don't know how proud I am of you. I wish I knew how to express it better than I do, but every time I try you shirk it off. I know you're gonna do great things. It's gonna be rough, but you'll make it.

2. I'm sorry that I'm as unpredictable as I am, but thank you for putting up with me for all these years. You don't know how much it means to me that we're still best friends, and always will be. I know I can depend on you. I hope you know you can depend on me too.

3. I feel like we're drifting apart, and honestly, that's ok with me. I feel like there's so much more you could be doing for yourself, you're just too afraid to try. One day people aren't going to pity you anymore. I've stopped pitying you. It's time you got yourself off the floor. I know you can do it, now show me. Otherwise, I don't need this in my life. I'm not gonna be dragged down any more than I have been by your attitude. I'm tired of feeling controlled by you. No more. I'm done.

4. Sometimes I don't know how to act around you, so I put up a front. I keep things surfacy for a reason, because I'm afraid something might happen if I let my guard down for even a second. Also, I wish you'd make up your mind. Don't feel like you have to be in a relationship to be worth something. You're just hurting yourself that way. The right one will show up, maybe now's just not the right time. I think you still have a bit of growing up to do before you can get involved in something so big. But don't give up!

5. I'm sorry you had to put up with all that crap. I wish I had been there for you when it all went downhill, but now you have nowhere to go but up. You're better than him, and can DO better than him. Don't let this get you down; the fact that you're taking a step in helping yourself proves how strong you are, and you're only gonna get stronger. I know it. I love you so much!

6. Maybe you knew this already, but you have no idea how much I wish/wished I could be you. I don't ever remember you not being confident. And the way you speak out with that confidence often amazes me. No wonder everyone is drawn to you. Just be careful. You tend to attract the wrong attention, and that worries me. I don't want you to change or to forget about me because of your new friends.

7. I wish you wouldn't make fun of the things I love to do. I don't need that. I need you to believe in me. It hurts when I try to talk to you about art and horses and you become a sudden asshole about it. You don't know, but sometimes it makes me cry. Being laughed at doesn't make me toughen up. I can't believe you haven't seen that by now. I'm tired of thinking that I have to freaking solve world hunger to impress you with my interests and talents.

8. I'm still appalled at how you guys behaved. I wish I could have come through the phone and slapped the hell out of the both of you. There is no need for you guys to be talking like that and attacking us. What the hell have we EVER done to you? And then denying it, or say you had the right? Hell no you did/do not. But after all that, I still love you guys.

9. I'm still not over it. I wish you were here. I miss you so much it hurts. So much has happened and changed. I miss your encouragement. You're the only one who believed in me, and I need that right now.

10. I would never have admitted this to your face, but you have no idea how jealous I am of you. Every dream you ever had came true, while mine seem to be crumbling. But honestly, I'm glad we drifted apart. We had some good times, but I never felt like I could tell you anything. I couldn't even be proud of my own achievements without you getting an attitude. What kind of a friendship is that? But I am sorry that we never really said "good-bye". As jealous as I can be when I think about it, I could never wish ill-will towards your future. You did teach me something though: I see your attitude and personality in other people, and I think I have the experience to handle it.

~~~

Well, that about covers Day One. Even when I'm not talking to these people face-to-face I still have trouble talking! What the heck?! Oh well. Some of it was good, honestly.

And don't go asking "Was number 2 me?!" and whatnot. I'm not going to tell.