But His Brother Stayed

Most everyone knows the story of the lost son in Luke 15, or as it is most commonly known, "The Prodigal Son".  

You know, the one who took his share in his inheritance, squandered it, and was so poor that even his low-end job of feeding pigs wasn't enough to buy him food (he longed even for the pods he fed the pigs).  In that moment he realizes his misfortune and decides to return to his father's house, where he will ask his father to hire him as a servant because he's unworthy, etc., etc.  And upon his return, his father sees him coming, and prepares a lavish feast for the lost son who now is found.

But I don't really want to focus on the prodigal son.
I want to focus on the son who stayed.
The brother who, hearing of the celebration, becomes angry. 

After all, he hadn't gone and squandered all his wealth on "wild living".  He stayed with his father, obeyed all his commands, worked hard.  I'd venture so far to say he probably had a family of his own, and had it pretty good  in the family business.  He probably enjoyed fellowship with his father, too.  

When his brother returns, he is so angry he won't even see his brother.  So his father pleads with him, invites him in to celebrate with everyone.  

And he replies, "Look, all these years I've been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders.  Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends.  But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!" (Luke 15:29-30)

I love his father's response. 

"My son, you are always with me, and everything I have is yours." (v. 31, emphasis mine)

Most people who read this story relate to being the lost son.  And let's face it, even those of us who have been believers all our lives were lost - or are lost - at some point.  

But, in being a believer all my life, I relate more to the brother who stayed, and I don't often see or hear much about him, except the usual, "His attitude was totes in the wrong place.  He was so selfish.  What did he ever need a party for?  He never wanted a party until that point."

Well...ok, sure, maybe he was being a little selfish, and I'm not at all condoning his arrogance in regards to his lost brother.  

The point I want to make is that, for those of us who have been believers, been "with the father" all our lives, it can often seem like our faith, works, choices, whatever, go unnoticed by our Father. 
It can often feel like such a big deal is made over new believers, but for us, it's just, "Oh, you know the drill."  And we should rejoice with those who were lost but now are found.

But here's what I want to say to those of us who feel like the brother who stayed:

We have more authority than we realize.

The brother was angry with his father for never giving him a party.  He was jealous.  

But he could have asked at any time.  

I'm sure there must have been hundreds of reasons for celebration in his life.  If he was married, well...the wedding.  That's reason to celebrate.  His children another.  A successful year.  An answer to prayer.  Good grief, didn't they have birthdays back then?!  

What keeps us from asking?

"Ask, and it will be given to you..."(Matthew 7:7).

"And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father.  You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it," (John 14:13-14).

"And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests," (Ephesians 6:18)

You know what I think?
I think, for those of us who have "always been with the father", we feel like we shouldn't have to ask.  We assume everything we want/need/desire will just be handed over to us.  

And when it doesn't happen, we wonder why.
We ask, "Does our Father truly love us?  Are we really His children?"

Well, first off, those are lies, because the Word says that those of us who believe are children of God, meaning we share the inheritance (Galatians 6:26-29; 1 John 3:1-2).

The brother who stayed probably assumed that, being with his father already, things should have just been given to him.  

But there's so much power in asking.  
Yes, God knows our thoughts, desires, actions, innermost being (Psalm 139:1-16).

But if our assumptions were true, that things will just start happening, coming our way, then...why would God tell us to ask?

What is in your heart?  What do you truly desire?  What do you want to see God doing in your life?  Do you need healing?

Ask Him.  
I know that sounds like a band-aid phrase, and I'm sure you're imagining an air-headed, high-pitched voice saying these things.  

But seriously.
What keeps us from asking our Father for anything, when we are with Him, and all He has is ours?

(I really hope this made sense, and isn't taken out of context.)

To Hear His Voice

So, this has been on my mind.

Well, actually, a lot of things have been on my mind, but this is one of them:

That I wish to walk closer with God, learn to hear Him when He speaks, to listen to Him.
I want to know Him more intimately.

I always struggled with prayer, and I want to pray more.  

Just as Paul says in Ephesians 6:18:

"And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests."

I mean, we're supposed to pray all the time, be in constant union with the Lord.  

If He desires this unity, I want that to be my desire.

So, here we are.  
I've decided to challenge myself, and with it being the first of October, sounded like a good starting place.

I want to spend more time with my Savior.  
I want to walk with God, and hear His voice, pray with the intention to hear and listen.

"The man who enters by the gate is the shepherd of his sheep.  The watchman opens the gate for him and the sheep listen to his voice.  He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out.  When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice."
John 10:2-4

Hope this makes sense.  My brain is a little foggy, but I think I got across my main point.

Peace.

Joshua 1:8

"Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; 
meditate on it day and night,
so that you may be careful to do everything
written in it.  
Then you will be prosperous and successful." 

(italics by me)

Habukkuk 3

Praise to God, Immortal Praise

Praise to God, immortal praise,
For the love that crowns our days;
Bounteous Source of every joy,
Let Thy praise our tongues employ.

These to Thee, my God, we owe,
Source whence all our blessings
    flow;
And for these my soul shall raise
Grateful vows and solemn praise.

Yet, should rising whirlwinds tear
From its stem the ripening ear;
Should the fig tree's blasted shoot
Drop her green untimely fruit,

Should the vine put forth no more,
Nor the olive yield her store;
Though the sickening flocks should
    fall,
And the herds desert the stall,

Yet to Thee my soul shall raise
Grateful vows and solemn praise;
And, when every blessing's flown
Love Thee for Thyself alone.

- Anna Laetitia Aikin Barbauld (1743-1825)

Whoa, Dang! Been a While, Right?

I think the title says it all right thar.

Yep, it has been a while.

So let me catch you up on what's been happenin' on this end.

Well, I'm engaged!  
And getting married in nineteen days!

And I moved all the way across the USA to be closer to fiance.  I've been here since the end of January, and am loving every minute of it.  

I got a job with my cousin's aunt as a faux finisher/muralist!  So I'm using my artistic talents in a wonderful way.  
I am also designing a logo for a ministry, and doing my own sketching/painting on the side while I plan for this wedding.  

God has been showing me a lot between my last post and now.  This whole move/getting married thing is an incredible learning experience, and I love it. I'm learning how to truly depend on Him for everything.  

And He is drawing my fiance and me closer and closer together, and I love that.  He has provided me with such a wonderful man.  

Anyway, I will be updating more soon!  Just kinda waiting for things to settle (aka until after the wedding) before jumping into updating with all sorts of deep and meaningful things.  

I am also starting up an art blog on Tumblr, if anyone would like to follow me there!  My link is on the sidebar there.  On the left.  Where it's always been. 

I thought about making this my art blog, but I think I'll keep the two separate, because I like posting things I've learned about life, love, and God here, and I wanna keep it that way.  But, I'm open to suggestions!

Also, got a new DeviantART account.  It is also on the sidebar, over thar.  

Hope all is well with ya'll!  

Deliverer

I'm not the greatest when it come to asking for help.

Pretty terrible at it, actually.

You know, something I've been thinking about lately is how often we don't just ask God for help the first time we know we need it. I don't know about you, but when I'm either in trouble, or stuck, whatever, I try to fix the problem on my own before working up the ladder of those who can help, and usually, God is my last resort. It so goes against my grain to ask for help when I need it.


When I've got a problem, it usually goes something like this:

I have a problem (big, small, whatever).
I try to fix it on my own -- fail.
I try other people -- problem either gets worse or more complicated because now I have other opinions to weigh in my head.
I try on my own again -- double fail.
Over-analyzation = frustration.
Turn anthill into mountain.
Rant and rage and holler and curse.

...I (finally) try God -- win.
Duh.

Maybe it's a pride thing.


Why don't I ever just go to the source of authority when I need it, instead of trying it all my own way?
Because I'm human, and proud, and ashamed to ask for help, even for the simplest of problems. Rah.


What prompted this post was something I read in 1 Kings 1:29-30a tonight.

"The king then took an oath: 'As surely as the LORD lives, who has delivered me out of every trouble, I will surely carry out today what I swore to you by the LORD, the God of Israel....'"

Often, the verses that jump out at me are verses like these, that don't really have a whole paragraph dedicated to the few words that came to my attention. 

"Who has delivered me out of every trouble...."

The story here is old king David promising Bathsheba that he will keep the oath he made in swearing that Solomon would become king in his place. 

Now, let's face it.  David may have been a man after God's heart, but he was no angel (and even angels fall).  But every single circumstance he went through, God was there to deliver him, to see him through.  How many countless times has David's life been spared by God's grace?  Even though David sinned, God was still his deliverer.

David wasn't perfect.  I don't care how many people use him as an example of how we should be, praising God, trusting in Him, etc.  David was so human.  He sinned.  But he sought forgiveness and deliverance.

God promises deliverance to those who ask Him.

Psalm 72:12-14
"For He will deliver the needy who cry out, the afflicted who have no one to help.  He will take pity on the weak and the needy and save the needy from death.  He will rescue them from oppression and violence, for precious is their blood in His sight."

Psalm 3:8
"From the LORD comes deliverance."

2 Corinthians 1:10-11a
"He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and He will deliver us.  On Him we have set our hope that He will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers."

Even Jesus, in giving us the LORD's prayer, tells us to ask God "to deliver us from the evil one" (Matthew 6:13).

Matthew 7:7-11
"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. 

Which of you, if his sons asks for bread, will give him a stone?  Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake?  If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him!"

James 5:13
"Is any one of you in trouble?  He should pray."

God wants us to ask Him.  He knows how to help us, what we need to be delivered from whatever circumstance we're in.  And He is so willing. 

God promises His deliverance.  All we have to do is ask. 

How amazing is that?  It's so simple.

Devoted

So, I realize that I have not done anything that I suggested in my last post.


Not because I don't want to have another challenge (but it's just so...challenging! Derp), or start an art blog. 


Actually, at the moment, the art blog idea isn't as important.


But praising God everyday, giving Him the glory, recognizing the need for worshipping Him, is.
Whether I feel like it or not.
Whether I can actually think of anything to praise Him for or not.
Whether it's through words or acts.


I think something happened between now and September 27th (I know, that you know, that I know, that you know - but that's not the point I'm making here).


I think I got comfortable.


Too comfortable.


I slowly slipped onto the edge of the fence, and haven't realized, until now, that I'm still sitting there.


I know my devotional life with Yeshua has been compromised.  It's something that has been on my mind and heart for a while now.  But I haven't done anything about it up to this point.


I know the dangers of a lukewarm soul, and have felt its safe arms keep me from embarking on a deeper, more intimate level with my Lord.  And I don't want to be in that place again.


So, how have I realized all of this?


First, God is amazing with how He does stuff.


That's right: stuff.


I was getting caught up on some over-due Bible study reading, finally getting to the last chapter in Leviticus.  It's all about redeeming what belongs to the Lord, or how to dedicate something or someone to Him.  Pretty straight-foreword stuff, I guess, though I was kinda confused while reading it.  But the whole emphasis on devotion to the Lord made me think about how lightly I take my devotion to Him, how easy it is to take it so lightly.


Then one of my Bible side-note doodgimuhickies pointed out verse 28:


"But nothing that a man owns and devotes to the LORD - whether man or animal or family land - may be sold or redeemed; everything so devoted is most holy to the LORD."


Oh yes, I take it so lightly.


I am redeemed from sin and death by the death and resurrection of Yeshua Messiah. I have been cleansed from my sin by His blood. I have been made new in Him.


And in accepting Him as my Lord and Savior, I have a choice:


I can willingly offer my entire self to Him as a living sacrifice, or just...not.


One thing I do know, there is no middle-ground, no compromising. I am either fully devoted, or fully against.


Even the Israelites could not compromise what they dedicated to the Lord. They could not decide that they didn't like what they dedicated to Him, good or bad, and trade it in for something else. Whatever they substituted, both the dedication and the substitute become holy to the Lord, and are irredeemable (Lev. 27:33).


I can't decide that I only want to give a portion of my being to Him, or decide that I want to give Him something else in exchange, for whatever reason. He wants all of me, my complete devotion.

So now that it's finally clicked in my head, my prayer is this:

For a heart on fire for the Lord, fully devoted to Him and His purpose for my life. 

My challenge now:

To live it out, take it seriously.

Hope this all made sense.

Just a Few Thoughts, Possible New Challenge

'Sup ya'll?

Just have some ideas runnin' through my head, and thought I'd see what you all think.

First of all, I'm thinking of making an art blog, where basically, that's all it's about.  I'll update with little sketches, or even full-blown drawings, talk about techniques, inspirations, etc.  I'll somehow connect it with this site as well...?  The Artist's Mind-Spew: Literally!

Another thought I've had is another challenge idea. 

I don't know about any of you, but sometimes, I feel like I don't praise God enough.  I feel like I can thank Him any time, that's not difficult to do, but praise Him for just being awesome?  Yeah, somehow that seems to always "slip" my mind. 

Somehow that all also ties in with how I feel like I really need to work on putting Him first in my life. 

So...I guess here's the idea: hosting a challenge for October: Praising God Everyday for 30 Days.  Every day think of three things to praise Him for. 

I know I got a lot out of the Beauty of God challenge, so I wanna know what else can be learned. 

And I feel like, maybe if I make it something I have to post for all to see, I'll stick it out better. 

Who's in? 

Beauty of God: Reflecting the 30 Days

I was finally able to sit down and go through all the 30 posts of last month, taking notes on each day to draw up any conclusions and tie the strings together. 

There really isn't a set "common theme", but if I were to put a lable on it, it would be "Process". 

These 30 days were full of surprises.  That shouldn't have been a, well, surprise, because all this year has been full of out-of-the-blue circumstances that I know have to be God-ordained.  But I'm amazed at how much can occur in just one month. 

God surprised me in so many ways, great and small, from good friends and sermons that connect with my life, to sharing with me what He knows touches my heart.

But I've got to take the bad with the good.  This month was not only full of little joys and good friends, but with confusion and major frustration.  My life has taken some serious shaking, adding to the frustration of uncertainty.

I've learned that it's in those times that I need to seriously remember all that God has been faithful to in the past, that He is the same God "on this side of the Jordon" as He is on the other side, in the promised land.  That though my life may be unclear, He has gone before me, and is only preparing me for what's ahead, not purposefully tormenting me.  He has a vision for my life, and has set for me a high potential to reach.  And He is faithful to work in every small step of this journey of reaching that full potential, achieving that goal He has set. 

Worrying is useless, really, when He's got it all under control.  It's a frustrating concept, but one that I feel I'm making it harder on me to learn because I'm stubborn, so all these circumstances have been harder on me than necessary. 

This process is a sanctification of my heart and soul.  It doesn't happen overnight.  I need to, and want to, remember Who sees it all, and Who's got it all under control.  He never gives me more than I can handle, and is always there to see me through every good and bad situation. 

He will make the path clear to me. 

Lord, let Your peace come into my heart.  This has been a trying month, but You have a way of redeeming every situation.  You've got a purpose for my life, and I know You will be faithful to complete it.  I hope this challenge has brought me closer to You.  I feel it has. 

Yeshua, thank You for all You have done.  I know You will continue to do Your work in me throughout the days to come.  Help me to live up to Your potential, to see the vision You have for me. 

The word that keeps resonating in my mind is "peace".  I want Your peace.  Only You can supply me with a peace so everlasting and satisfying.  Nothing and no one but You can give me that peace of mind and heart that I need to live out this uncertain life.  Holy Spirit, remind me every day of God's faithfulness to me.  When life seems to get overwhelming, remind me of Your peace. 

Thank You so, so much for all You have taught me, and for what You will continue to teach me.  I pray these lessons will be on my heart. 

In Yeshua's name, amen.

Colossians 3:15-17 Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace.  And be thankful.  Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all widsom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God.  And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.

As I'm living out these few days God has given me, I know He will give me His peace, His shalom, to be able to live my life for Him with gratitude and praise.  As He prepares my heart for what's to come, I want to be thankful and at peace with it. 

John 14:23-27 Jesus replied, "If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching.  My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him.  He who does not love me will not obey my teaching.  These words you hear ar not my own; they belong to the Father who sent me.

All this I have spoken while still with you.  But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you.  Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

(All boldage in both verses my own doings.)

Beauty of God: Day 30 - A Change of Heart = Strength of Heart...?

Wow...the last day.

Unless you count tomorrow, bein' all a recap of what all's been happening.

Anyway...today was my second day as a floater. Wasn't any less stressful, as I did all the driving from building to building with my supervisor.

Honestly, I was dreading it all. For some reason, some kind of fatigue decided to hit me (I thought sleeping it off would help...but it didn't), and just knowing that everyday is gonna be different.

I prayed for a serious change of heart, because I'm even still longing for my old building, with the people and stability.

But, as I met my supervisor and we went around to the different buildings, the job started to get easier and easier. My supervisor is a neat woman, very friendly and amiable.

I was very discouraged about this job, being constantly on the run and having jobs up in the air.
But I think there's a bit of a peace about it now...could be the experience and repetition, but I think also God's hand is absolutely all over this.

More openings are coming up, which is good.

I think the beauty is how God can change your heart, whether in small ways or great. 

And I don't know why, but somehow, this is the song that seems to fit with this day. 

http://youtu.be/ISgr8SgCYbY

Well You took my day and You flipped it around
Calmed the tidal wave and put my feet on the ground

Yeah, that's what happened, I think. 

My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.
Psalm 73:26

That verse has been resonating in my head (thanks Chris).  And I'm definitely beginning to realize this.  Something happens when you call on the name of Yeshua Messiah.  He is enough, and He can give you that change of heart, no matter how discouraged you feel, physically, mentally, or spiritually.

So...a change of heart = strength of heart.

Actually...I think it's more like, once you realize Who is the strength of your heart, you realize Who gives you that change of heart you need.  The more it's realized that Yeshua is your portion, the more you realize how your situation isn't as bad as you thought. 

Beauty of God: Day 29 - Bittersweet Part II

Today I started in my new position as a floater, meaning that I fill in for people who call out sick or go on vacation.

It felt super weird to not be going to where I was cleaning for the past few months. And the more I cleaned these new buildings with these new people, the more I knew how much I'm missing everyone at the old building.

Maybe it's because I knew that building well, and it was stable. I wasn't jumping around from building to building. It was straighforward and chill.

But I definitely know that the people there made all the difference.

Those who know me well know that I don't attatch myself to just anyone. For instance, when I went to community college, I absolutely did not go there to make friends. If I made aquaintances, that was cool, but I knew for a fact that I was never gonna see those people after that semester, and that I had enough friends.
I guess, in other words, I don't invest my time in people when I feel like it's not worth it.

But these people - my co-worker, the guards, the other employees - made a huge impact on my life.

A thought that keeps occurring is that I miss the stability, being able to go in there, do my thing.

Maybe this is God's way of shaking my life up a bit, testing the waters, so to speak. Gettin' me out of my shell. Because I know I tend to get too comfortable when things are stable, and then I don't advance or grow any.

Wow...now I'm thinking of all the times, just this year, that God has really given my life a good shaking. Figuratively AND literally, thanks to the earthquake, ha.

I know I'm definitely gonna be visiting everyone at my former cleaning place, because they really do have a special place in my heart now. But I think now it's also a good thing to move on, get out there, see what I'm made of.

On a sidenote, my brother, sister-in-law, and nephews leave tomorrow. They're coming back at least two more times in the upcoming months, but I'm still going to really miss them. It's been so great hanging out with them, having one-on-one times, and getting to know my nephews more. They're all so great to have in my life.

Beauty of God: Day 28 - It's All Comin' Together

I know it's pretty elementary to know that it doesn't matter who you are or what you've done, God is still gonna love you.

But I'm finding it extremely profound that I can be as angry with God as I want to be about whatever, and He's going to go against my grain and love me. He's not gonna go all "human nature" on me and play any kind of blame-game, or blow anything out of proportion. I'm sure He feels hurt, He doesn't want me to be angry with Him, but that doesn't mean He gets angry with me in return. He will sit there calmly and speak love and the honest to Him truth about the matter.

I felt really guilty about being mad at Him this week, and especially yesterday during church. It's like one of those awkward things, where you see someone you're mad at, but you're around other people so you don't want to make a scene. I've been feeling like there's no point in praying as well.

I guess the only difference is He won't react the way we would expect someone else to act. Like, if someone was mad at me, I would feel very hurt, but then I'd end up just getting angry back and overexagerate the issue. Or I would just feel total animosity towards the person, especially if nothing was worked out. Or I would cower down and think it all was my fault, whether it was or not.

With God, there's only total and raw honesty in the situation. He knows what the deal is. He knows His way is better, and that though it may upset me that I don't know what the future holds, that's not going to stop Him from going through with His plan. He's not gonna throw in the towel in cowardice towards my anger. He knows when it's His doing or ours, and I think He's pretty good at making it clear....

I don't think He likes that He has to with-hold these things from us all the time. A father typically wants to give his children the very best, right? He doesn't want his children to be unhappy.
And, I mean, you can't get any better of a best when it comes to THE Father. And He doesn't wish to make us unhappy, He just knows what is absolutely, honestly, and ultimately best for us.

I'm still finding it hard to really talk to Him again, because it's weird trying to wrap my brain around this. But it's an effort I'm willing to make, because I want to believe it.

I know that through all this confusion and uncertainty, I shouldn't have thrown a temper-tantrum like a two year old. I should have, at the very least, praised God for what He's taught me so far, and kept asking Him to keep preparing me for whatever it is He has me waiting for. Like I said, He knows whose fault it really is, and makes it clear. He knows I'm just impatient.

And just because He loves me no matter what, that doesn't mean I should or can remain angry with Him. He doesn't owe me anything, and He certainly doesn't deserve my anger. I'm just a bratty human who needs to grow up and push through the frustrations.

Beauty of God: Day 27 - Somethin' About the Sabbath...

Today's been a pretty fulfilling day.
My brother, sister-in-law, and nephews are here.
We all went to church as a family, which hasn't been done in many, many years.

I'm sure it's funny for everyone at church to see my brother chasing his nephew around, when they remember when it was our dad chasing my brother.

Spending quality time with the kids has been great, especially my oldest nephew, who's goin' on two soon.

This was one of those days that started out rough, but gradually got better and better.

Going to church - well, the act of it wasn't a big deal. It was when I got there and felt I had no business there. I was still pretty angry at God, and felt like participating in the worship was almost blasphemous.
I held my youngest nephew wrong.

I mean, it's not like I held the kid upside down or anything, but for some reason I wasn't supporting his head the way I should have been, and felt awful when six hands reached for him as his upper-half leaned backwards. In my defence, there's a reason why I'm not a mother right now: obviously, I'm not ready for kids.
But I should have had more common sense.

Anyway, still feeling all this, not only does the sermon, again, fit in with a lot of what I'm struggling with, a friend of mine who I look up to immensely talked with me and offered to pray for me, which touched my heart to no end.

As the day goes on, I spent more time with my oldest nephew, learned how to entertain him while his dad and our younger brother played flag football (which also touched my heart to see the two of them together like brothers should be).

Was able to talk to my friend for like...three hours, maybe more, and had an awesome time. Hope he did too, although I believe he fell asleep. Either he was REALLY tired, or I'm just REALLY boring.

I think I've finally reached a point where I can make my peace with God. Really, I think that's the point of this update. Because I've been feeling pretty unworthy of His love and attention because of how angry I was. But after my friend prayed for me, it all began to fall back into place, sort of. Like, there's still that part of me that demands clarity, but I think I can finally own up to my own defeat, that God's trying to teach me something.

Beauty of God: Day 26 - Beauty in Appreciation

I think there's beauty in knowing you're appreciated.

Tonight was my last night in the building I've been cleaning. Lord knows how much I've appreciated the warm welcome, advice, and general friendliness.

And it was nice knowing that my help there was appreciated. Not that they didn't show it enought - far from it! I don't think there ever was a day I wasn't thanked for something.

I guess it's got me thinking, God likes to be appreciated too. Even though, to be honest, I'm finding it super hard right now to whole-heartedly be appreciative (because I'm stubbern, and I feel a hard lesson coming...), He still wants me to appreciate Him, and what He's done.

I want to genuinly thank Him right now...but I'm finding it difficult.

Which probably means I need to just suck it up and do it anyway.

Beauty of God: Day 25 - Bittersweet

Tomorrow is my last day at the building I'm cleaning.

And I really don't want to leave. The people I've met there have really made an impact on my life. They are some of the most genuine, welcoming people. Very rare to find such a tight-knit community.

Anyone who knows me well knows I don't try to attatch myself to others, especially on purpose. For example, when I was attending the community college, I didn't go there to make friends. The people I met there were merely classmates, and that's all they've remained. Really, I just didn't want to get attatched to people I knew I wasn't going to remain more than mere aquaintances with.

Then God does these crazy things, like introduce me to (or re-introduce me to) people, and suddenly I'm finding it hard not to get attatched.

I really hope that as I move on, the joy and unity the people I've met at this building have shown me can be shown through me to others.
God put me there for a reason, and has shown me such beauty there.

In a more general update, I'm still having trouble with figuring stuff out, doubts vs. truth. I don't know why this is as hard as it is. Maybe I've overcomplicated it (since I'm a pro at that).

I seriously just wish someone would come up to me and tell me what to do. I don't know if it's because I'm just tired and need sleep, but I'm so frustrated that I'm afraid somethin's gonna go down.

I feel like, if God knows I'm the kind of person who needs absolute clarity, why doesn't He just...give it?
I know, I know. That'd be the easy way out.
But come on!

Alright, I'll leave you all alone now.

Beauty of God: Day 24 - Am I Still Confident of This?

When God gives His best, He gives it, indeed.

That's how I feel today.

But I'm also very discouraged too.

Which doesn't make sense at all.

This Friday is my last day of cleaning the building I've been in since...July? Late June, early July.

I've gotten so used to the people, the building, the routine. Sometimes my co-worker and I work together, which is awesome. The security guards always talk to me, and all the other employees in the building are friendly and welcoming. They've almost become my extended family.

Today, I was surprised with a beautiful white hemp bracelet with blue beads that my co-worker made. As she's showing it to me and explaining where she got the beads, she says, "If it fits, you can have it."

And I'm sitting there like, "For real?! Sweet!"

Then the guards ordered pizza and cinnamon rolls from Papa John's.

My co-worker and I worked as a team all day. Which is awesome, not just because the work gets done quicker, but because we can talk too. It gets awful lonely cleaning those huge administration areas, and I don't have an ipod (don't think I'm allowed to use one anyway).

Even took a while to talk with my co-worker and another lady from another department about sewing.

It really doesn't end there. A lot of awesome and out-of-the-blue stuff has happened this year, but I thought I'd focus on today.

So, it really is true that when God gives His very best, He gives it indeed.

But I'm so afraid of Him taking it away from me.

With this job in this particular building, I've seen this end coming for a while. My time has been extended before, and my "boss" even talked to me about it being extended some more if he doesn't hear back from one of the ladies I'm filling in for.

I feel like there's so much that I have to wait for, and it's driving me nuts. So much uncertainty, and it's terrifying me.

So...what does this all have to do with God's beauty?
Well...I mean, He certainly showed it today through the people I work with. They're some of the most genuine people I've ever met.

And, I guess...maybe all this waiting means I focus on Him even more...? Because I know I'm struggling with knowing whether I'm hearing His truth, or the enemy's lies.

The LORD is my light and my
salvation -
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life-
of whom shall I be afraid?
When evil men advance against me
to devour my flesh,
When my enemies and my foes attack
me,
They will stumble and fall.
Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then will I be confident.

Once thing I ask of the LORD,
this is what I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
and to seek Him in His temple.
For in the day of trouble
He will keep me safe in His dwelling;
He will hide me in the shelter of His
tabernacle
and set me high upon a rock.
Then my head will be exalted
above the enemies who surround me;
at His tabernacle will I sacrifice with
shouts of joy;
I will sing and make music to the LORD.

Hear my voice when I call, O LORD;
be merciful to me and answer me.
My heart says of you, "Seek His face!"
Your face, LORD, I will seek.
Do not hide your face from me,
do not turn your servant away in
anger;
you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
O God my Savior.
Though my father and mother forsake
me,
the LORD will receive me.
Teach me your way, O LORD;
lead me in a straight path
because of my oppressors.
Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
for false witnesses rise up against me,
breathing out violence.

I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.
Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.

Psalm 27

My foes and oppressors?

Fear.

False witnesses?

Doubt.

Beauty of God: Day 23 - Totally Has To Be About That Earthquake

Heck yes.

Because as I'm going about my business at work and talking to people, I'm realizing how many of us reacted so differently.

My co-worker flipped. It shook her up so bad she wasn't sure about coming in to work today.
My mom was chatting on Facebook with me, asking me tons of questions, telling me to call dad and watch the news.

I totally laughed about it.
Maybe it was because of what I thought the earthquake was originally. I was taking a nap, and felt the bed shaking. I thought it was my dog Hadassah under my bed with an itch, or trying to get out, because she's big enough to bump the bed, and possibly shake it.

But then I looked at the furniture.
Hadassah may be a tank, but she certainly doesn't shake furniture.

After it all stopped, all I could do was laugh so hard over it. Honestly, I found it exciting. Or, thrilling, rather. I guess there's a difference.
I mean, I survived my first earthquake! This really did just happen!

And the day went on as usual. Continued doing some things around the house (since I was too "shook up" to continue my nap, haha), went to work, etc. The weather was still gorgeous, no haze in the sky. God hadn't changed.

I know this is gonna sound cheesy, but hear me out on this one.

If I've learned anything along this journey with Yeshua, it's that I shouldn't expect every day to be the same. That something can happen at any moment, good or bad. My foundations are gonna shake now and then, and I've got to decide whether I'm going to let it bother me or let God do His thing.
I guess I could have let this experience scare the crap out of me, though I really think it is the grace of God that is keeping me from doing just that. I mean, sure, it was a heck of a strange and out-of-the-blue situation.

But I survived. And there was still a full day ahead of me.

I guess what I want to say here is that even though strange and crazy situations, good or bad, are gonna happen, God's not gonna stop the work that needs to be done. I may let the situation get to me enough to keep me from really living, or I might say, "Hey, I survived it, thank God." In either case, God still has a purpose and plan to carry out, and nothing can get in His way.

I hope that all made sense. It does to me, and yeah, it might sound like one of those cheesy devotionals, but it's something I want to remember.

Beauty of God: Day 22 - His Enduring Faithfulness

This could probably be saved for the last day of this challenge, but since today was full of accomplishments, I've been thinking about how this challenge has improved my walk with Yeshua.

I mean, I still definitely feel like I could do so much more. I know I've made such a "mess of me" that I want to see where God's beauty will come through (and, can I seriously quote Switchfoot any more in this blog?! Actually...yeah, I know I can, haha).

But I know I've been focusing on all that I need to work on, that needs fixing in my life. Which isn't wrong to admit when I'm wrong, and need to be made right.

But what about the little God-given successes in my life, within this challenge?

Today has been full of little accomplishments, getting things done here before work. And it feels great to get stuff done. So I've reflected some on what little accomplishments have been goin' on with this challenge so far.

For instance, yeah, I know I need to focus on loving Him first with all my heart, mind and soul. Like, I could definitely be doing that more.
But in regards to that, I can say this: there's quite a bit I've given up to spend more time with God.

For example, my morning routine typically consists of turning on the TV while making tea and breakfast. And the TV ends up eating most of my time, because I get sucked in to whatever I'm watching that my morning routine takes twice as long as it should.

But lately, I've kept it off, and brought my Bible out with me instead.

I'm not trying to brag, but this is seriously a huge improvement for me. Definitely wouldn't have been doing that this time last year.

Another little success is, even though God's not on my mind 24/7, I do think of Him more. A lot of it is mostly little silent prayers. Or wondering what He's gonna do with my life, the lives of my friends, hopes, dreams, etc. And constantly being reminded that no matter what happens, He will remain faithful to the end.

I think that's all I can think of right now...but success is a beautiful thing, no matter how small.
And it's good to think of these things. The more I focus on the negative, the less inspired I am.

God's beauty shown today?

Think of past successes, where His hand has been. They are reminders of His faithfulness and love, where He's been tweaking this rough, messy sketch to paint a picture of something bigger and better than what I see right now.

Beauty of God: Day 21 - More Learning Experiences

Today was fairly normal, really. Althought, I felt a lot more accomplished, because I was able to buy fabric to redo my curtains with. They finally match my room's color scheme, red and white.

But there were so many times today when I got super impatient and, well, bratty.

All these frustrations kept happening one after another. For instance, when sewing something, you put the outside pieces facing each other. That way, once you flip it inside-out, you don't see the seams.

This is an elementary piece of knowledge for seamstresses. In other words, sewing those curtains should have been a no-brainer.

But then I go and waste thread sewing parts of it that, once turned inside-out, are wrong, and then I have to unstitch everything and start over. Or I run out of bobbin thread, and when I try to refill the bobbin, the thread get's loose and caught up around the twirly-thingamajig that the bobbin sets on, and then I keep dropping the bobbin so that I have to rewind the threat around it 50 times.

If it wasn't one thing, it was ten.

Needless to say, sewing those curtains took way longer than they should have, and I was not happy. I just wanted them done so I could wash 'em and see 'em hung up.

There were a few times during the day that I prayed, asking God to give me some serious help.

In reality, I think He was laughing. Because deep down, I expected instant help. And I bet all the while He was saying, "If you want instant gratification, take more zoloft."

You know how if you ask God for patience, He's not gonna straight up give you patience, but give you opportunities to be patient?

Yeah, that was my whole day.

Maybe I didn't quite ask for the right thing. Maybe I should have said, "Give me the grace to not kill anyone today, or throw this sewing machine out the window."

I mean...I didn't do either of those things...but still.

No, He gave me plenty of chances to sit back, take a deep breath, realize this is not the end of the world, that these curtains would get done, nothing to freak out about.
Had my chance, muffed it.

I guess it's got me thinking, it's kinda nice to have a loving Father who gives us so many chances to redeem ourselves. And that He doesn't mind when we ask Him for help. I think He absolutely relishes honesty and reliance on Him. Doesn't mean He's going to give us instant-nothing-can-go-wrong pills. But He gives us a chance to grow in a legit way.

Now...to put this into practice, part II: dealings with my mother.

(Seriously, I really do love you, mom. I'm sorry I'm a brat, and that I snap at you all the time. I know you don't do the things you do to exasperate me, and you don't deserve such harsh treatment from a failure daughter like me. I can't promise that I'll never snap at you again, but I can say that I want to try to give you the benefit of the doubt. It's not fair that you should be treated the way I treat you, when you're doing absolutely nothing wrong. I hope you know that I've never hated you, even when I'm in a bad mood.)

Beauty of God: Day 20 - Good Friends, God's Hand

Seriously, today was full of win (as one of said good friends would say).

It was a much needed girls' day/night out, after an awesome church service.

All week, I've been having all kinds of confusion and doubt.
I think the major thing is I've just been feeling so worn out and burdened. And I'm starting to think of this walk with Yeshua as more of a chore. Which makes it seem more like a burden than a relationship.

And Yeshua even says that His yoke is easy, His burden light (Matt. 11:30).
So why do I feel heavy-laden, wrestless and weary?

I think the main reason for that is I'm over-complicating it. I know I've said before that I need to get back to basics, but I think I'm a bit at a loss as to how. I have all this worry, all this stuff on my mind. And it keeps me from finding and recieving that rest and peace that only God can offer and provide me with about it all.

So, all this is running through my head this week, and then at church today, pretty much all that was addressed was all that I've been thinking about and trying to figure out lately. I'm still in a state of "Whoa..." about it. 'Cause I seriously love it when God does that.

Plus, got to see my dear friends, Carley and Lizzy before Lizzy heads back to her college far, far away. It was so nice having a girls' time out, venting and ranting and encouraging one-another. I don't get to do that often, so it was definitely a time of release, and a time to lift up and be lifted up.

The Lord's hand is on all of our lives, and I know I'm seeing it in theirs, as they've said they're seeing it in mine. And it's awesome.

God works through mysterious ways sometimes. It's amazing what one sermon can do, and how special friends can make such a difference. Today was a God-given testimony to how much He loves us to put special people in our lives, and that sometimes if we wait for answers instead of forcing them to appear, He'll give them in such abundance anc clarity that we know Who it's from.